NT devlog MK2
- Thread starter NT
- Start date
NT
Decommissioned
There's a variety. Most tend to be about how I was a lazy student and often let myself get piled up in late work, and the rush of trying to get shit done. Then there's the ones about just hiding in the stairwell during lunch. Also can't forget the ones about getting out of bed at 6 AM and rushing to get ready.
I'm being dramatic, but I really did hate high school. I had one friend and that was it. There was a time in my sophomore year where I'd cry like a pussy in the bathroom before my first class started. Eventually I got used to it, still dreaded going there every day.
I know the real world isn't much better, I know. College will suck, work will suck, but those places aren't like low security prisons.
X Immigrant
Hyperboreanizing soy culture
Physical media won, enjoy uploading everything to da 'clooooouuud and having to pay monthly simply for storing your data soyboy.
dd/mm/yyyy
(: Never Lose Your Israel :)
NT
Decommissioned
I wish I could commit to fixing myself, really. It seems like there are brief periods where I'm able to see the big picture and how corrupt/degenerate I am. Then I fall right back onto the path of sin shortly afterwards. It's like a pendulum - endlessly swinging back and forth with no change nor progress ever being made.
The biggest problem I have is that I don't have any form of internal moral code at all, or really I can't stick to one. That's what makes me even worse than most sinners, how I try to pretend I'm something that I'm not. At least some people can be honest and content with the fact they're wretched pieces of shit that'll spend an eternity crawling out of lava lakes soon enough. I hate that I'm such a malleable and naïve dysfunctional retard. The best way I can describe it using a real world experience is this: in middle school I was baptized at a small church because my parents told me I had to. Even though I was at a point in my development where I was "self-aware", I didn't understand or really even care about what was going on. I did it because I was told to. To me, it was just another chore. The point here is that despite six years passing I haven't moved beyond that mindset or stage in development even a little bit.
I'll also be very clear here and put into words what I've never expressed to anyone. It's not a big surprise, I just fucking hate my father. I can't help but hate him. It hurts to say that because I believe he at least has hope in me, but that's what I really think. He has moderate tourette's and I hate that. He never spent time with me growing up because he worked 12-hour shifts for like six days a week. When he was off, he was angry and restless and he'd scream at me for everything I'd do. Told me one time he wish I had gotten a lobotomy, and in a casual way too. As a result I grew attached to my mother and ended up as a bit of a pussy and stunted because of that. I'm a literal faggot and my only physical appeal is how I look like a LE HECKIN WHOLESOME FUCKING REDDIT CHUNGUS 100 ASTOLFO FUCKING FEMBOY UWU NYAAA NIGGER!!!!! Yet another thing I'll be burning in Hell for.
But anyways, you know how I said I don't think I'll live past 40 earlier? I genuinely do believe that's true sometimes. My brain has already been fried by years of antipsychotics, SSRIs, and stimulants. I eat like shit and I have the BMI of an Auschwitz survivor. I don't exercise, I sit in my room all day staring at a monitor. As of right now, I'm on the path of offing myself once my mom dies (unless my poor health kills me first).
None of that was supposed to make sense. Have a nice night.
The biggest problem I have is that I don't have any form of internal moral code at all, or really I can't stick to one. That's what makes me even worse than most sinners, how I try to pretend I'm something that I'm not. At least some people can be honest and content with the fact they're wretched pieces of shit that'll spend an eternity crawling out of lava lakes soon enough. I hate that I'm such a malleable and naïve dysfunctional retard. The best way I can describe it using a real world experience is this: in middle school I was baptized at a small church because my parents told me I had to. Even though I was at a point in my development where I was "self-aware", I didn't understand or really even care about what was going on. I did it because I was told to. To me, it was just another chore. The point here is that despite six years passing I haven't moved beyond that mindset or stage in development even a little bit.
I'll also be very clear here and put into words what I've never expressed to anyone. It's not a big surprise, I just fucking hate my father. I can't help but hate him. It hurts to say that because I believe he at least has hope in me, but that's what I really think. He has moderate tourette's and I hate that. He never spent time with me growing up because he worked 12-hour shifts for like six days a week. When he was off, he was angry and restless and he'd scream at me for everything I'd do. Told me one time he wish I had gotten a lobotomy, and in a casual way too. As a result I grew attached to my mother and ended up as a bit of a pussy and stunted because of that. I'm a literal faggot and my only physical appeal is how I look like a LE HECKIN WHOLESOME FUCKING REDDIT CHUNGUS 100 ASTOLFO FUCKING FEMBOY UWU NYAAA NIGGER!!!!! Yet another thing I'll be burning in Hell for.
But anyways, you know how I said I don't think I'll live past 40 earlier? I genuinely do believe that's true sometimes. My brain has already been fried by years of antipsychotics, SSRIs, and stimulants. I eat like shit and I have the BMI of an Auschwitz survivor. I don't exercise, I sit in my room all day staring at a monitor. As of right now, I'm on the path of offing myself once my mom dies (unless my poor health kills me first).
None of that was supposed to make sense. Have a nice night.
Soyteen Liker
it's just getting started
If it helps, you can always fake it til you make it
Sounds like you need more healthy male role models which is easier said than done.
Cmon bruh if Chris Chan is still alive at 42 then you can definitely survive past him, if you want to.
Hope you'll feel better eventually
If you would like to talk further about this in private with me, send me a message with the conversation feature and we can exchange words at your will. Know you're more aware of yourself than the most wretched, and that hope is still very-much present with you. There is a savior above who cares about you, deeply, as do many of us here.
Soyteen Liker
it's just getting started
baqqrih may I ask if you ever had a moment where you started to really turn towards God? ykwim? Like if you had a moment where you realized you wanted to serve Him?
He's always been with me, but I guess I felt more enlightened to His constant presence in my life and His love for me that I felt the need to really start reciprocating about the age of fourteen, or so. Maybe fifteen, I can't really put a dot on it. It wasn't some divine, midnight revelation and voice of thunder that had me bowing on my floor in tears of love, it was a gradual shift that He blessed me with, and now, by my own will, I can still bow down on my floor in tears of love when I converse with Him.
NT
Decommissioned
i feel a lot better now
the past few days have been rough and i cant seem to stop blabbering about stuff on here
i cant promise it wont happen again but it'll stay contained here if it does
anyway i like the new theme broot added, its just the default xenforo one but it looks very sleek imo
the past few days have been rough and i cant seem to stop blabbering about stuff on here
i cant promise it wont happen again but it'll stay contained here if it does
anyway i like the new theme broot added, its just the default xenforo one but it looks very sleek imo
NT
Decommissioned
i think im gonna scrap that amazon cart and just get this instead. i know its not a particularly nice watch but i'm getting bored of casios. it's really small (32mm) which means it should fit perfectly on my 5" wrists.
if you aren't aware "a-11" was a watch standard created by the u.s. military during ww2 and several companies made watches adhering to it. i think it looks neat despite not being an exact replica.
im probably gonna go for the leather strap since the nylon ones look uncomfortable.
if you aren't aware "a-11" was a watch standard created by the u.s. military during ww2 and several companies made watches adhering to it. i think it looks neat despite not being an exact replica.
im probably gonna go for the leather strap since the nylon ones look uncomfortable.
dd/mm/yyyy
(: Never Lose Your Israel :)
dd/mm/yyyy
(: Never Lose Your Israel :)
Like a slow philosophical/theological conclusion, you, after many experiences with him, realize just how silly humans can be and how perfect He is.
Something like this?
dd/mm/yyyy
(: Never Lose Your Israel :)
I heard that eating meat and meat products can help with this. Hell, even going fully vegan is better than eating goyslop like McDonald's and anything sloppy like that.
Consider hitting the gym or just doing a simple workout session. I would do whichever exercise feels the best (which can get you sweating the fastest with minimal effort). Mine is cardio. I would recommend first speaking with a health professional on anything physically related, in case you can't do some exercises.
Get into something that requires your brain and nothing more. Be it philosophy, theology or even mathematics (or its STEM derivatives). It doesn't matter what but doing something at a level you find challenging (but not impossible) will, over time, help you develop more knowledge.
Is this really how you feel towards him or is this just you being angry for the sake of your dad not being perfect? Regardless, I would recommend either understanding on a deep level why you feel this way or using your hatred to prove him wrong (I'm gonna assume that he was angry you weren't a perfect child), as in you get yourself together to show that you can overcome vice despite the situation.
Ask your therapist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy while also steadily decreasing your dose of SSRIs. If you have a dependence on drugs to function, it's not okay.
dd/mm/yyyy
(: Never Lose Your Israel :)
I have had similar but not exact feelies like this but for mathematics.
NT
Decommissioned
I do eat relatively high-quality meat every so often, and I think you're exactly right. Sometimes my father gets steak from the grocery store at a discount and it's really good. Unlike most of the crap I eat (rice, bread, some goyslop) it gives me energy and I don't feel like shit for a little while. I'll be honest and admit I don't eat a lot of green stuff like a lot of Amerisharts. Not that this is an excuse, but my assburgers kinda fucks with how I deal with texture and stuff like that. It's something I need to work on and drinking nutrition shakes isn't going to cover everything.
Also something I really need to fucking do. My resting heartrate is like 90 BPM. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind buying some equipment for home stuff.
It was a mix of genuine issues and me being dramatic. I'm angry at him because he refuses to try any sort of treatment for his condition and expects me to deal with it. I think it's something that's gotten worse with time, too. About the perfect child thing: that's kinda true. He always compares me to my older sister who's admittedly a much more level-headed individual. She also has tourette's and I think they sort of bond with each other because of that. There have been moments where he's been genuinely proud of me, most notably my high school graduation. In a way it's like whenever he's happy I'm not and vice-versa. You're right about me needing to prove myself. I can understand his frustration sometimes, seeing how I'm basically NEETing at the moment.
I have a bit of a grudge against therapy now and it's because my parents would always send me to counselors or just almost random people instead of actual therapists. I should've mentioned that the only mental health professional I see is a psychiatrist.
To summarize everything: I know I need to change and know that I can't go on like this, but I have no idea where to start. I'm worried that if I do "baby steps" I won't really get anywhere. A drastic change is what I need. It would be painful, but something big needs to happen for me to get in gear.
