Brickshithouse
Shithouse made of bricks
HOUSE (2004–2012): SEASON 1, EPISODE 1 - PILOT - FULL TRANSCRIPT
---
(BELL RINGS)
Why are you late?
- You're not going to like the answer.
- I already know the answer.
I missed the bus.
I don't doubt it.
No bus stops near Brad's.
You spent the night,
the alarm didn't work, or maybe it did.
I didn't sleep with him.
- Girl, either there's something...
- I missed the bus!
There's something either
very wrong with you
or there's something
very wrong with him.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Please tell me
you know that for a fact.
Melanie, I gotta go.
You're lying, aren't you?
I wouldn't lie to you.
Good morning, guys!
CLASS: Good morning, Ms. Rebecca!
Everybody's in their seats?
CLASS: Yes.
Okay.
Sydney, why don't you tell us
what you did this weekend?
Come on, Sydney.
We know you're not shy.
How come we always have to tell you
what we did,
and you never tell us what you did?
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
Okay.
I had a really great weekend.
But you can't tell Ms. Melanie, okay?
What did you do?
I made a new friend.
It's so much fun to make new friends,
isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Did you tell your mom and dad
about your new friend?
Absolutely.
You should never keep anything
from your parents.
And I told mine...
(GIBBERS)
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
(CHUCKLES)
(GIBBERISH)
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
(CONTINUES GIBBERING)
"C-A-L...
"H-E... The."
GIRL: We know that word. "The."
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
WILSON: Twenty-nine-year-old female.
First seizure one month ago.
Lost the ability to speak.
Babbled like a baby.
Progressive deterioration of
mental status.
HOUSE: You see that?
They all assume that I'm a patient
because of this cane.
So put on a white coat
like the rest of us.
I don't want them to think
I'm a doctor.
You see where the administration
might have a problem
with that attitude?
People don't want a sick doctor.
That's fair enough.
I don't like healthy patients.
The 29-year-old female...
The one who can't talk?
I like that part.
She's my cousin.
And your cousin doesn't like
the diagnosis.
I wouldn't either. Brain tumor.
She's going to die. Boring.
No wonder you're
such a renowned diagnostician.
You don't need to actually know
anything to figure out what's wrong.
You're the oncologist.
I'm just a lowly
infectious disease guy.
Yes. Just a simple country doctor.
Brain tumors at her age
are highly unlikely.
She's 29.
Whatever she's got
is highly unlikely.
The protein markers for the three most
prevalent brain cancers
came up negative.
That's an HMO lab.
Might as well have sent it to a high
school kid with a chemistry set.
No family history.
I thought your uncle died of cancer.
Other side. No environmental factors.
That you know of.
And she's not responding
to radiation treatment.
None of which is
even close to dispositive.
All it does is raise one question.
Your cousin goes to an HMO?
Come on.
Why leave all the fun
for the coroner?
What's the point of putting together a
team if you're not gonna use them?
You've got three overqualified doctors
working for you,
getting bored.
FOREMAN: It's a lesion.
And the big green thing
in the middle of the bigger
blue thing on a map
is an island.
I was hoping for something
a bit more creative.
Shouldn't we be speaking to the patient
before we start diagnosing?
- Is she a doctor?
- No, but...
Everybody lies.
Dr. House doesn't like
dealing with patients.
Isn't treating patients
why we became doctors?
No. Treating illnesses is
why we became doctors.
Treating patients is what makes
most doctors miserable.
So you're trying to eliminate the
humanity from the practice of medicine?
If we don't talk to them, they can't
lie to us, and we can't lie to them.
Humanity's overrated.
I don't think it's a tumor.
First-year medical school,
if you hear hoofbeats,
you think horses, not zebras.
Are you in first-year medical school?
No. First of all,
there's nothing on the CAT scan.
Second of all, if this is a horse,
then her kindly family doctor in
Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis,
and it never gets near this office.
Differential diagnosis, people.
If it's not a tumor,
what are the suspects?
Why couldn't she talk?
Aneurysm, stroke
or some other ischemic syndrome.
Get her a contrast MRI.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease?
Mad cow?
Mad zebra.
Wernicke's encephalopathy.
No. Blood thiamine level was normal.
The lab in Trenton
could have screwed up the blood tests.
I assume it's a corollary
if people lie that people screw up.
Redraw the blood tests
and get her scheduled
for that contrast MRI. ASAP.
Let's find out what kind of zebra we're
treating here.
WOMAN ON PA: Radiology,
please call the page.
Radiology, please call the page.
I was expecting you in my office
20 minutes ago.
Really? Well, that's odd,
because I had no intention of being in
your office 20 minutes ago.
You think we have nothing
to talk about?
No. I just can't think of anything I'd
be interested in.
I sign your paychecks.
I have tenure.
Are you gonna grab my cane now,
stop me from leaving?
That would be juvenile.
I can still fire you
if you're not doing your job.
I'm here from 9:00 to 5:00.
Your billings
are practically nonexistent.
- Rough year.
- You ignore requests for consults.
I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
You're six years behind
on your obligations to the clinic.
See? I was right.
This doesn't interest me.
Six years times three weeks,
you owe me better than four months.
It's 5:00. I'm going home.
To what?
Nice.
Look, Dr. House,
the only reason why I don't fire you
is because your reputation is still
worth something to this hospital.
Excellent.
We have a point of agreement.
You're not gonna fire me.
Your reputation won't last
if you don't do your job.
The clinic is part of your job.
I want you to do your job.
But, as the philosopher Jagger
once said,
"You can't always get what you want."
You're not my doctor.
Are you Dr. House?
Thankfully, no. I'm Dr. Chase.
Dr. House is the head of
Diagnostic Medicine.
He's very busy, but he has taken
a keen interest in your case.
FOREMAN: We inject gadolinium
into a vein.
It distributes itself
throughout your brain
and acts as a contrast material
for the magnetic resonance imager.
Basically, whatever's in your head
lights up like a Christmas tree.
FOREMAN: It might make you feel
a little light-headed.
---
(BELL RINGS)
Why are you late?
- You're not going to like the answer.
- I already know the answer.
I missed the bus.
I don't doubt it.
No bus stops near Brad's.
You spent the night,
the alarm didn't work, or maybe it did.
I didn't sleep with him.
- Girl, either there's something...
- I missed the bus!
There's something either
very wrong with you
or there's something
very wrong with him.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Please tell me
you know that for a fact.
Melanie, I gotta go.
You're lying, aren't you?
I wouldn't lie to you.
Good morning, guys!
CLASS: Good morning, Ms. Rebecca!
Everybody's in their seats?
CLASS: Yes.
Okay.
Sydney, why don't you tell us
what you did this weekend?
Come on, Sydney.
We know you're not shy.
How come we always have to tell you
what we did,
and you never tell us what you did?
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
Okay.
I had a really great weekend.
But you can't tell Ms. Melanie, okay?
What did you do?
I made a new friend.
It's so much fun to make new friends,
isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Did you tell your mom and dad
about your new friend?
Absolutely.
You should never keep anything
from your parents.
And I told mine...
(GIBBERS)
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
(CHUCKLES)
(GIBBERISH)
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
(CONTINUES GIBBERING)
"C-A-L...
"H-E... The."
GIRL: We know that word. "The."
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
WILSON: Twenty-nine-year-old female.
First seizure one month ago.
Lost the ability to speak.
Babbled like a baby.
Progressive deterioration of
mental status.
HOUSE: You see that?
They all assume that I'm a patient
because of this cane.
So put on a white coat
like the rest of us.
I don't want them to think
I'm a doctor.
You see where the administration
might have a problem
with that attitude?
People don't want a sick doctor.
That's fair enough.
I don't like healthy patients.
The 29-year-old female...
The one who can't talk?
I like that part.
She's my cousin.
And your cousin doesn't like
the diagnosis.
I wouldn't either. Brain tumor.
She's going to die. Boring.
No wonder you're
such a renowned diagnostician.
You don't need to actually know
anything to figure out what's wrong.
You're the oncologist.
I'm just a lowly
infectious disease guy.
Yes. Just a simple country doctor.
Brain tumors at her age
are highly unlikely.
She's 29.
Whatever she's got
is highly unlikely.
The protein markers for the three most
prevalent brain cancers
came up negative.
That's an HMO lab.
Might as well have sent it to a high
school kid with a chemistry set.
No family history.
I thought your uncle died of cancer.
Other side. No environmental factors.
That you know of.
And she's not responding
to radiation treatment.
None of which is
even close to dispositive.
All it does is raise one question.
Your cousin goes to an HMO?
Come on.
Why leave all the fun
for the coroner?
What's the point of putting together a
team if you're not gonna use them?
You've got three overqualified doctors
working for you,
getting bored.
FOREMAN: It's a lesion.
And the big green thing
in the middle of the bigger
blue thing on a map
is an island.
I was hoping for something
a bit more creative.
Shouldn't we be speaking to the patient
before we start diagnosing?
- Is she a doctor?
- No, but...
Everybody lies.
Dr. House doesn't like
dealing with patients.
Isn't treating patients
why we became doctors?
No. Treating illnesses is
why we became doctors.
Treating patients is what makes
most doctors miserable.
So you're trying to eliminate the
humanity from the practice of medicine?
If we don't talk to them, they can't
lie to us, and we can't lie to them.
Humanity's overrated.
I don't think it's a tumor.
First-year medical school,
if you hear hoofbeats,
you think horses, not zebras.
Are you in first-year medical school?
No. First of all,
there's nothing on the CAT scan.
Second of all, if this is a horse,
then her kindly family doctor in
Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis,
and it never gets near this office.
Differential diagnosis, people.
If it's not a tumor,
what are the suspects?
Why couldn't she talk?
Aneurysm, stroke
or some other ischemic syndrome.
Get her a contrast MRI.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease?
Mad cow?
Mad zebra.
Wernicke's encephalopathy.
No. Blood thiamine level was normal.
The lab in Trenton
could have screwed up the blood tests.
I assume it's a corollary
if people lie that people screw up.
Redraw the blood tests
and get her scheduled
for that contrast MRI. ASAP.
Let's find out what kind of zebra we're
treating here.
WOMAN ON PA: Radiology,
please call the page.
Radiology, please call the page.
I was expecting you in my office
20 minutes ago.
Really? Well, that's odd,
because I had no intention of being in
your office 20 minutes ago.
You think we have nothing
to talk about?
No. I just can't think of anything I'd
be interested in.
I sign your paychecks.
I have tenure.
Are you gonna grab my cane now,
stop me from leaving?
That would be juvenile.
I can still fire you
if you're not doing your job.
I'm here from 9:00 to 5:00.
Your billings
are practically nonexistent.
- Rough year.
- You ignore requests for consults.
I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
You're six years behind
on your obligations to the clinic.
See? I was right.
This doesn't interest me.
Six years times three weeks,
you owe me better than four months.
It's 5:00. I'm going home.
To what?
Nice.
Look, Dr. House,
the only reason why I don't fire you
is because your reputation is still
worth something to this hospital.
Excellent.
We have a point of agreement.
You're not gonna fire me.
Your reputation won't last
if you don't do your job.
The clinic is part of your job.
I want you to do your job.
But, as the philosopher Jagger
once said,
"You can't always get what you want."
You're not my doctor.
Are you Dr. House?
Thankfully, no. I'm Dr. Chase.
Dr. House is the head of
Diagnostic Medicine.
He's very busy, but he has taken
a keen interest in your case.
FOREMAN: We inject gadolinium
into a vein.
It distributes itself
throughout your brain
and acts as a contrast material
for the magnetic resonance imager.
Basically, whatever's in your head
lights up like a Christmas tree.
FOREMAN: It might make you feel
a little light-headed.
yeah ![[wholesome]](/data/assets/smilies/wholesomeheart1.gif "Wholesome [wholesome]")
