thread_prefix.18 My Screenplay For A Madeup Cartoon Show: Episode One

[terrycrews]

Also weren't you set on, like, trying to drive soyteen liker off the site or something? You broke character, sis

Yes why

 

[istanbul]

Yes why

Had a change of heart?

 

[terrycrews]

Had a change of heart?

No

 

[Soyteen Liker]

Sorry, I don't really see the logic behind it. Dude wants to become a pilot to prove something no one had doubts on because he was scammed (???)

Sort of. Blocky feels like a blockhead because he got scammed so he feels like he should do something impressive and being a pilot was what he thought of first because he's more of the scatterbrained type. I don't think it needs to be straightforward because he isn't.

Is this just a sonichu-esque fantasy with Chip as your self insert? It reads like something 10-year-old me would write.

If I were to self insert I'd do it as a boy

I have a lot to say about this but I feel like you will just write off everything I say

You can be constructive, I just find it difficult to take other people's words into account. Nothing personal

 

[terrycrews]

Sort of. Blocky feels like a blockhead because he got scammed so he feels like he should do something impressive and being a pilot was what he thought of first because he's more of the scatterbrained type. I don't think it needs to be straightforward because he isn't.

It feels loosely connected. There is no character development at all for a first episode, you're literally diving straight in and he's already getting scammed. The dialogue seems very forced and unrealistic.
He says
Hey, did you know I have a friend
named Sticky who likes collecting
coins?
But that seems totally unrelated to me, because it's a total non-sequitur. He just brings it up randomly to some lady because he saw a coin?
Maybe if it was a rare coin he saw, he could say "Wow, that's a rare coin, are you sure you wanna give me that dude? I have a friend who loves collecting coins."

 

[terrycrews]

To be totally honest it feels like you put no thought into it and just wrote whatever came to your mind without even drafting anything

 

[terrycrews]

Don't use that react with me miss you know very well that I'm fucking right your dialogue has no effort in it at all

 

[istanbul]

I'm with Teresa on this one honestly

 

[Fagon]

how long did this take you to write? in hours I mean.

 

[Soyteen Liker]

how long did this take you to write? in hours I mean.

I don't remember, I've been writing it on and off for months I think.

 

[sodack]

>The premise for episode 1 is that Blocky (the pizza guy) feels like a blockhead for getting scammed, so he decides to become a pilot... in a video game!
I fail to see how one thing leads to the other

He is going to hit the towers