Schizo My autoandrophilia/pooner urges

Soyteen Liker said:
The problem with me is that essentially I want to "feel like a boy" instead of just feeling like a girl in boys clothes. Which brings me to the next point.

Sure, testosterone won't instantly make me feel like a boy/man but I see it as very very difficult to achieve without it. Plus I'd like all the effects of it. Nothing I can do about that any time soon doebeit.

Yeah exactly, I've prayed to God a few times but I can't feel the effects of it at all. I don't know what else to try.

Honestly I know how it sounds, it must be like a tranny saying "I wish I could have a heavy cramping period!"; I guess I see it as one of the biggest differences between men and women, especially teenage boys and teenage girls.

I'm not a pooner atm doebeit.

I wouldn't describe it as hedonistically doebeit. There's definitely a loving aspect to my relationship with "him" that I want to embody. I think living in an identity and body that doesn't feel like home makes reality feel wonky and meaningless.

This is something I wrote to my mom to try to explain my feelings about it.

My attachment to this world is twisted like a spiral descending to where nothing is real or right. It is a fundamental horror and terror that anti-psychotics only repress but is still there. Always, but with varying intensity.

It is as if my soul or essence as I experience the world is two inches behind the basic goodness that is behind everything.

"This life is not mine," I think. "Who's is it, then?" I think back.
Have you heard when something unfathomable happens? Some people feel like the world has fallen apart, that nothing is going to be right again, that nothing matters? Imagine that feeling but twenty-four seven.

As if someone has died, the mind sends me to a parallel world that is partially connected to this one. Who died, I think. It's this person who observes the world, I'm like a ghost.

Am I completely a ghost? No. There is another person to absorb the experience of the ghost and all the pain that doesn't come out. A person whose eyes shine, who has dreams and hopes, who lives in full color instead of just surviving each day as a hollow grayscale ghost.

My world first changed when I was 12-13 years old, when I realized the truth. I'm not going to do what my subconscious wants. This realization made me live in this virtual world of lies.

I don't look like it or behave like what I need to convince myself of because it is an invisible disorder. It is invisible because it is to protect against feeling suffering that is too strong to endure. This is good in moderation, but it doesn't let me live a happy life.

It protects me from the worst but keeps me in a stasis of low-level suffering. It is a progressive condition, but there is treatment, I implore you to listen.

The truth is that the body is where reality is experienced. My body and my social role give me benefits and a feeling of security. People like me how I am, and they won't like them if I change myself. The body does not feel like home. It can feel like hell without rest. I need to get out and move on in every way I can.

The truth is...

I NEED TO BECOME A MAN (as much as possible)

I NEED TO BECOME A MAN (as much as possible)

I NEED TO BECOME A MAN (as much as possible)!

It's not that I think men are happier, I think women have a lot of happiness and community. I don't think I'm bad at being a woman or anything. The truth is that my body and mind scream to be a man in a fundamental way without stereotypes.

I am not masculine because that is not going to address the discordance of the body and the way I experience life. Sometimes, I feel like being feminine to express myself, but this is nothing for what I really need. I see it as a chance to try to enjoy things that I couldn't if I were born male.

I'm not going to kill myself if you reject it, but I don't think there is any other treatment. Thanks for listening to me.
Click to expand...
Do you self-harm?
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